Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. Happy birthday, Secret Virgin. I am 26 and this is becoming ridiculous. I imagine that people, when they overcome the shock of discovering that there exists in a major metropolitan city a 26-year-old virgin, will immediately try to come up with excuses for the anomaly. It makes people uncomfortable when other people are virgins for no reason. I think most people will probably assume that I am ugly. This will make them feel better because it makes sense. "Ugly people should not ever have sex", you think. "Ugly people having sex is almost worse than my parents having sex--and that makes me want to poke a big stick right in my eye." Brace yourselves. I'm not ugly. I am a fairly attractive woman, in fact. Sure, I could probably stand to lose about 15 pounds, but that's really not it. "Aha!" You are once again placated. "Whenever anyone on the internet says they could 'stand to lose 15 pounds' it really means they are about 100 pounds overweight, and shoving pizza right into their fat face as they type the fat, fat lie with their fat, fat fingers. This explains it. Fat people get to have even less sex than ugly people. At least ugly disappears in the dark." Fat's not it either, folks. I am really not lying. In fact, I used to be a runner. Thin as a rail, yet still a big, fat virgin. Are you unsettled? Has everything you know about the world come crashing down around you? Good. That's how I feel today too. 26. How did that happen?