It's Not That Big a Secret

I think most people will probably find it hard to believe that my virginity is actually a secret. Well, it is. I don't care if you don't believe me. Except that I do. Please believe me. My secret is so well kept because I move a lot. I have lived in three different states in the past two years, in fact. So my childhood friends don't know what I was up to in college, my college friends haven't got a clue who I was doing in grad. school, and my grad. school friends are probably quite certain that I'm screwing someone at the office. I'm pretty sure I've got my roommate convinced that I was in a really bad abusive relationship in the last secret city I lived in. It's fun for me when she complains that her boyfriend only got her half a pound of chocolates for Valentine's Day and I reply, "At least he doesn't beat you." It's a conversation killer. I also really like it when she posts cute little quotes on her myspace page like: "Don't frown, because you never know who might be falling in love with your smile." That's when I post: "Is it the guy with no teeth who follows me home some nights and flashes his genitals? Because I'm pretty sure he loves me whether I smile or not."

My parents are the most in the dark. I came home one Christmas after not having seen them for over a year, and I had gotten really thin. Probably because I had forgotten to eat while I waited outside a classroom for three weeks straight hoping some art student would notice me or something. My mom asked if everything was all right. I told her I was fine. Later on my dad told me that my mom was pretty sure I had gotten an abortion. I giggled on the inside. On the outside, I told my dad that I really didn't want to talk about it. Parents should have something to worry about. But not too much. I think they might worry more about their 26-year-old virgin daughter than they would a raging slut who shaves her head and chases people with umbrellas. At least Britney's parents can sleep soundly at night with the knowledge that their daughter is desirable to men. That's all I want for my parents.

I went to a bachelorette party for a co-worker once. Someone decided it would be "fun" if we all went around and told the story about how we first lost our virginity. I was thinking up a really good one based on a sweet scene from an episode of General Hospital I saw once, but the stripper showed up right before my turn. I folded all of my dollar bills into tiny paper airplanes so I wouldn't have to touch him.